| A Woman Can Never Have Too Many Kicks

By Lacy Schoen

Can a woman ever have enough shoes? Heck no. Did you hear me? HECK NO! If you thought yes, then you are a girl still learning life’s priorities, you are a man, or you are just plain taking a dirt nap. For the first two, I’m glad to help you understand the science and psychology behind a woman’s ped wardrobe. For my Besties out there - just sit back, relax and say – Uhhhhhh – Duh.

I’ve heard men ask, “Isn’t it just a matter of having the right shoe for the occasion?” I explode into laughter when I hear this. This is a drastic over simplification, and one that exposes their dunderheadness. Having the right kick for the occasion is only one forth of the equation, made whole by clothing, mood and boredom considerations.

Take me, for example. I can’t just say, “I’m walking today. I’ll wear my tennies.” Why? Because I have 8 pairs of tennies. I have to choose. Is 8 pairs of tennies absurd for anyone to have? If you just answered yes - go back to the top and READ THE TITLE of this article. The answer is no.

It’s important to understand that the “occasion” includes details that must be considered. Is this a short or a long walk? If long, get out the cross trainer, arch support Avias. I’ll get my head wrapped around my tough chick mood, and have a good workout. If a short walk, I’ll strut my trendy puma skins. No arch support, but they have that slick urban look that keeps my attention (remember boredom) and makes me feel cool (remember mood).

Other shoe considerations - Is it in rural or city ? Weather? Chance of dirt? If dirt, urban or rural? Walking at the gym, or the mall? Indoors or outdoors? Company? Male or female? You can overlay a myriad of considerations over each other and it doesn’t take long to see that there are infinite permutations of the “occasion!”! I could legitimately say that women can NEVER have enough shoes for every possible occasion and be scientifically accurate.

Let‘s see what you‘ve learned. Here’s the story. A husband and wife go the mall and the wife spies a pair of shoes and comments, “I need those.” The husband ridiculously retorts, “But you have 8 pairs at home already! How could you need one more pair?” If you have ever said these words, go back to the top and READ THE TITLE of this article. Then come back.

Welcome back. Here’s my response to your ridiculous comment. Your wife has a very specific situation for which she NEEDS those shoes (see “permutations” above). And unless you’re a mathematician and can scientifically prove she doesn’t need them, you are wrong. She is going to buy them, and she DOES need them.

Clothing is another consideration. Will I be wearing workout gear, jeans, shorts? Professional or casual - dress or pant suit? Colors - matching or complimenting? The outfit question is key. This is usually the first step, but don’t write that down - that can change. There are no rules that can help you predict when the following will happen…. sometimes, we MUST build our outfit AROUND the shoe. This can be a high boredom alert, which affects our mood. We must reverse tactics. We pick the kick that makes us feel happy, stylish, or powerful. Maybe we want to give that conservative look an “edge,” making us feel unique, building self esteem. Are you seeing “mental health” here? Good for you! You are growing shoe smart.

Last lesson - boredom is directly related volume. A woman will need to add to her shoe collection if she gets bored of an old pair. Common sense - if our shoes support happiness…doesn’t it make complete sense that when bored - time for a new pair?! Totally common sense. Plus, when we are happy, you are happy. Mental health for everyone!

Oh, and please don’t try to define “old” shoes. Old can be 3 seconds, 3 days, or 3 years. The important point here is that only SHE is uniquely qualified to determine what is an old pair of shoes, and the answer can vary with each pair. So just stay out of it.

So now that I’ve taught you the science and psychology of a woman’s shoe wardrobe, you are prepared for a test question. Can a woman ever have too many kicks? No - you say? Excellent. You‘ve learned. Life is good.

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